let it go. part 2
A few days ago I listed this print
. When I created this piece, it came from what I shared in
, about surrendering and letting go.
Last week was a rough one for me. Sometimes out of the blue, something inside me is triggered and I realize that I'm still broken and fragile in some areas. I was in a group of ladies last week when this started. I knew most of the ladies and they know me. They know my story and my marital status. There were a few women I had never seen before, and we went around the room introducing ourselves. After a couple of ladies shared, each one included how long they'd been married. One lady said she had five children, and then added, "and I'm married", which made everyone laugh. Like of course she's married if she has all those kids. And it made me want to run. I didn't want my turn to come, to have to say that I'm a single mom. I know it seems ridiculous. I know most of these ladies. They're
family
. They've been with me through it all. But I hate that being divorced is part of who I am. I know it doesn't really define me, and it's not all that I am, but
it is
part of me now. I had to fight back tears and take a deep breath when my turn came, and I got through it. I went home that night and read the first chapter of the book for our study,
. In the acknowledgments, the author,
recognizes her "favorites" and lists her husband and children. She then states, "You are the answers to the prayers I prayed as a little girl". And my tears flowed freely this time. I had dreams and prayers as a little girl too, and being divorced was never a part of that. I came from a broken family and I never wanted that for my children. I hate that we have to split up holidays and that feeling in my gut when I kiss and hug tight my little ones after driving an hour and a half to drop them off to visit their dad every other weekend. There is nothing in me that wishes to still be with my ex-husband, but I hate what divorce does to families and that my kids have to deal with the affects. This was not part of the dream.
God has brought a lot of healing and restoration in the last three years, but I realize there are still some areas of tenderness. It's never fun when these things surface, but I'm thankful because it's only when things are surfaced that they can be healed. Sometimes the things we need to let go of are bigger than we are. Sometimes they are dreams that we've held for a long time. Good dreams. God is all about families and wants them to stay together. But we live in a broken world and people make wrong choices. Divorce was not part of my plan and it's not what God wanted for us. But He can make beautiful things out of brokenness.
Sometimes there are other tragedies like sickness and loss of loved ones or company downsizing and layoffs that kill our dreams. But when one dream ends,
if we let it go
, a new dream can be birthed in us. We don't always understand why good dreams have to die, but we can trust that God's dreams are bigger and better than ours and decide to trust Him. Even though I've come a long way in three years, it was just last week that I realized I still needed to let go of the dream of having a traditional family.
To really move forward means to really let go.
I accepted the fact that our marriage ended long ago, but I still held on to the feelings of
it's not fair for the kids
and
this isn't how it's supposed to be
. I've been telling my kids all along that things may not look like we wanted them to, but it can still be good. I've assured them that God still has a plan for us. I've said these things and believed them to be true, but deep inside I think I still felt guilty and wished it didn't have to be this way for them. There is nothing I can do to change what's happened, but I can move forward into the new dreams God has for us.
We are complete in Him. He is the perfect Father, Protector, Provider and Lover of our souls. His love has carried us and at the end of the day when my strength and energy are gone, He is my strength. I didn't really imagine myself being with someone else, and definitely didn't want to go through the dating scene, looking for someone. But when I least expected it, God brought an amazing, loving, patient, strong and steady man into my life. We both went through similar situations and worked through the healing process on our own before we ever noticed each other or came together. He's someone I've been acquainted with for a long time and it all started very slowly and naturally. The last year with him has been so real and beautiful. It's not always easy but it's definitely worth it. New dreams have been born and it's exciting to see what God has in store for us and our children. This is definitely not what either of us had planned, but we are so thankful that God has brought us together and for the new dreams He's given us. Like I said, I am complete in who I am in God. It's not that I need a man to complete me, but he's icing on the cake. And let's face it... the icing is the sweetest part, that's why I always go for the corner piece! =) Not what I was looking for or expected, but a beautiful surprise. I've let go of my dreams to pursue and fully embrace God's dreams for me.
