move your heart

There’s a song my son (21 years old) has been listening to on repeat. He’s been working on a project, making custom hoodies, and after he works a full day at his retail job, he comes home to customize the hoodies. There have been several nights when the rest of us have gone to bed and the house is quiet, except for the sound of the sewing machine and his voice singing along to this song. He wears headphones so he doesn’t realize his volume, but he’s singing at the top of his voice. I don’t even mind, because I know he’s worshipping while he works.

He sent me a link to the song the other day in a text, and when I finally listened to it during my lunch break on Friday, I wept.

First of all as I’m listening, I’m picturing my kid, this little guy I nurtured who is now a foot taller than me, sitting in his room at night sewing and pouring his heart out to God as he sings this beautiful song.

It’s all about wanting to move God’s heart. More than anything else. Pouring everything out as a sacrifice to Him. No matter the cost, freely giving it all. “All my ambitions, my hopes, my dreams. And here’s my life, Lord”.

Then there’s a part that says, “You blow Him away”. After telling God you want to move His heart and imploring Him to tell you what it is that moves Him. At this point in the song it’s like God’s response saying You do. You move me.

It’s you that moves Him. Not because of your talents or performance. It’s your authenticity. Your heart of worship. When you just be who you were meant to be. You blow Him away.

Man, thinking of my boy singing this and God’s response. I pretty much melted right there in my classroom on my lunch break.

This was posted on the Instagram account of Transformation Church, where my boy attended and worshipped when he was living in Tulsa, OK.

And then I started worshipping. I played the song a couple more times, singing along and declaring it as my anthem.

I’ve struggled for a long time, not really sure what to do with all the ideas and pieces of projects I’ve been storing up. I hold back thinking I’m not enough or what I have to offer isn’t good enough. I’m the biggest succumber (ok, not a word, but it fits) to the crippling fear of vulnerability. Of the lie of imposter syndrome and not enough-ness. Sometimes there are too many ideas and I struggle with how to put them all together in a pretty package.

Here’s where I am today. I am choosing to pour it all out. To continue to press in to flow, that place where I’m abiding with the Spirit and what comes out is a collaboration with Him. I’m bringing my whole self to the table. Flaws and all. I’m stepping out and giving myself permission to be all of who I am. No more holding back or trying to compartmentalize everything or waiting until it’s perfect before I bring it to life.

For yeeeeeeears I have struggled with this whole idea that I should (I hate that word) niche down and be only about one thing. But that’s not how God made me. I can’t be authentic if I am only focused on one aspect of who I am or what I do. Being genuine is one of my core values. There’s so much more joy and freedom in allowing myself to be all of who I am.

So I started making some changes. This is a new website. It feels more like me. I’ve had it in the works for a while, along with a slight rebrand. I’ll probably bring some content over from my previous site, but I just decided not to wait until it was perfectly packed with just the right posts to make it live. This is me. A work in progress just like this website.

In all honesty, I’m not sure I even know what jenuine Ruby is at the moment. It started as a name for my handmade offerings, and it still is that. But it’s also me. Me, wanting to encourage YOU to pursue your passions and step into the light of who you are. Me, hoping to inspire you to try something new and give yourself permission to play, to show up as your whole self.

I’ll keep making things. I’ll sew, I’ll paint and collage. I’ll journal. I’ll create digital planners and printables. I’ll keep teaching. I’ll keep being a wife and mom and sister and friend. I’m just laying it all out and offering it all up. Trusting that the Redeemer will make something useful out of it.

Wanna join me? If you ever feel like a jumbled mess of ideas, you are not alone. If you ever feel like you’re not enough or too much, or both, all at the same time: I promise you, you are not alone. If fear of vulnerability or of getting it wrong keeps you from trying, we’re in the same club. Let’s take a step of faith. Let’s dare to even make some leaps of faith. Let’s pour it all out.

I just wanna move His heart. Here’s the song.